Every time

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every time I try to find the silver lining
the good result
of shitty experiences
the tarnished underside shows up instead

a gratitude for the love of simple data
turns into an inability to
connect with my heart
because it does not speak
in formulas and squares

the sense that I might have these lesions
bandaged up and healing
so that I can continue on
transforms into acute anxiety,
fear of failure to the point of not taking a step
in any direction,
and the inability to trust my decision making capability

feeling that my heart would burst
if I felt any more in love
turns into anger, resentment, frustration,
disbelief, worry, tension

recognizing all this shifting
from good to not so good
is half in the world of yay healing
and half over there in the cold, darkness

there is light at the end of that cold darkness
one must travel thru it to get to the light
because that’s how the juxtaposition works
that’s the formula
keep your eyes on the light
look straight ahead
be not distracted by the walls
or floors
or anything that’s around you
stay your course to the light
it gets brighter and warmer and soothing-er
the more intently focused on it you are.

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