Project 40.01.19

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Sometimes I do the photo here first, sometimes last. Tonight, it was last.
After writing everything below, I searched images for “blah, blah, blah.” Mel Bochner’s painting of the same name came up. A few clicks thru, and I found the middle piece. These five images together resonate with what my mind chatter is like when I’m doing something specific that allows my spirit mind to come forward.
I love this artwork.

Origins of this project can be read here.

It comforts me to think there’s “something wrong with me.” Because, if there weren’t “something wrong with me” then anything that goes “wrong” in my life is because, well, because I just suck.
I know it isn’t logical.

The internal oracle was alive and well because I was making products – following recipes, notating and planning – all day, by myself. When my analytical mind is occupied with such specifics, it allows the spirit-connected mind to flow. It was as if I had a pre-therapy session – I’m organizing my thoughts/feelings for my first session with a new therapist on Thursday.

I was on my feet for most of 7 hours straight and, 4 hours later, my legs still hurt. I ate black beans for dinner to help boost my iron intake, in case my grumpy feeling and sore legs are from PMS, not sure if mid cycle is the most-supportive/effective time to increase iron but I’m grasping at straws. I need to make a new version of my “Girl Be Chill Tea” which I created when I was in college and having wild mood swings. All I remember is red-raspberry leaf and nettles. I don’t remember if it worked but I like my name for it.

Vice: I finished off the bottom of some bags of snacks in the therapist kitchen today (Mary’s gluten free crackers and some trail mix). It’s a vice because the snacks are for therapists during therapist shifts. I was in there doing non-therapist stuff on the spa’s closed day.
Virtue: I ate those things in the hopes that when the manager comes in tomorrow, he puts new snacks out. Almost empty bags seem to look like “plenty full” bags to him. Our previous manager was much more thoughtful about keeping us well snacked. Tho, he’s doing a great job keeping tea in house for us, which she never did. I like tea.

I had a really good one for this today but I must have let it go.

seriously – I did have a good one.

Was noting how subtle my spirit mind gets when I’m working, so I searched “active meditation” and discovered Osho’s active meditation (with a Trade mark on that title). I’m going to try it in the morning. I like what I’ve read so far and feel that it might be a good technique for me to have in my back pocket. I say “back pocket” because in the past I’ve fallen in with a cult and rather blindly bought into almost all of their teachings/guidelines. I know I got some great things from that experience and now that I’m older and understand myself better, I’m going to take what I need, knowing that I don’t need to buy in 100% to some prescribed ideal to get the most out of it. I’ll get the most when I choose exactly what feels right in my system.

I’m going to have to come up with some other interpretation of this section. I’ve got no problem with time – getting geared up is a challenge that I’m used to and have pretty well managed but once I’m rolling, it’s all good with very few setbacks or obstacles. Perhaps I’ll discuss anxiety, which was my offering and reason for doing this project. I’ll analyze my relationship with anxiety tomorrow and report back to you in this space.

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