Adriene Crimson

Tuesday, I missed my yoga class by 5 minutes and thus got my exercise by walking from Hayes Valley, along Dolores Street, to my home in Glen Park. The walk took about an hour and I loved every minute of it.

This is not a foreign experience in my world.

However, it took seperating my life from another human to open myself again to the experience of walking for walking’s sake.

And thank goodness for that seperation.

Now, I allow myself the time it takes to walk from point A to point B.

Then, I just wanted to get home to my best friend – to my nest-mate – to make dinner, watch TV, converse and laugh together. We would walk together – around the lake we lived next to, to the best movie theater ever – that just happened to be only a handful of blocks away, around the hills a few minutes drive from our nest, to the BART station on our way to something fun in the city – but we mostly spent time in the apartment that we chose together because it was our favorite place to be.

Even with the acute level of enjoyment that accompanied this life, I still felt that I wasn’t as fulfilled as I should have been. This was a great point of contention within me and was the eventual downfall of the entire situation.

Again, this was a good thing.

Some say he was too conservative for me – I liked that about him, it just rubbed off on me too much and I squelched the free spirit inside me.

Within the relationship, I blamed him for not being open “enough” with me – he was the most open man I’ve ever shared a relationship with.

I felt a supreme lack of joy inside – typical human experience – and that made him too sad to help me talk it out.

He wanted to be with that happy girl he fell in love with.

I was ready to have a life partner who would help me dissect my humanity and learn to do it better.

Neither of us could offer what the other was asking for.

And we all know the vision quality of hindsight…I come to these words after 5 days shy of exactly 5 months past the decision to seperate. Understanding has come with time – as everyone told me it would when I was a slobbering mess on the phone only a few weeks ago.

In actuality, we were two puzzle pieces that only looked as if they made a coherant picture – upon close inspection, these pieces were not even in the same section of the image.

I have finally gotten to the point of knowing that it is no one’s fault. I did not scare him away with my desire for more emotional intimacy (of my liking) and he did not bore me to dissatisfaction. We are two beautiful beings who lost ourselves in our shared nest of comfort and sweetness.

My body sighs. My soul is grateful that we were able to fulfill our first-month’s pact to remain real in the partnership – we didn’t want to stay in it simply for the sake of that comfort.

So, we didn’t…

And now I walk and welcome the world that I had been leaving outside the front door for a few years. On the path I tred, is a vow to always keep walking and taking time to be with the only person who will be with me forever.

Right now she is sad – with with a huge bowl of hope on the side.