2a. there are these things in cars that the government says we’re supposed to use whenever we’re planning to turn. they’re called “turn signals” or “indicators” – some like to call them blinkers because they do that – they blink. and they’re yellow. and when someone is riding a bike on your right, and you’re planning to turn right, which would essentialy cut him/her off or worse, using your turn signal will warn the cyclist to stop and avoid an issue. it will keep your car from getting dented or scratched and will keep a cyclist as able as s/he was before you turned.
did you know that not using a turn signal can get you a ticket? yep. it’s one of those law thingies.

2b. if you are going to cut someone off, either with or without your turn signal, please just do it. if you change your velocity mid cut off, you make it even harder for the person avoiding bodily harm to get out of harm’s way.
start cut off at 30 mph – finish cut off at 30 mph.
but, you’re still a douchebag for doing it.

3. to stay with the whole car thing…
please, please, PLEASE – especially in san francisco – be aware of where you’re putting your car when you parallel park along the street. if you’re at the corner, line up with the edge of the corner/spot so that you maximize the chances of everyone getting a spot. if you park three feet away from the corner, the guy behind you parks four feet away from you and the guy behind him parks four feet away from him, that’s a whole spot. i’m not saying you should make it impossible for someone to get out of his/her parking spot because you only left them two inches, but think about how hard it is to find a spot and how nice it would be if everyone took everyone else into consideration.
but, perhaps that’s an entirely different topic.

and finally,
4. please be aware of the following when writing, anywhere.
they’re = ‘they are’ as in “they’re going to six flags”
there = ‘not here’ as in “the roller coaster is over there”
their* = ‘belongs to someone’ as in “those kids didn’t have a good ride. that’s their puke”
* this is plural! not to be used to refer to a singular person a la facebook’s updates about your friends. if you must refer to a singular person without a gender specification, please use “this/that person” “him/her” “his/hers” etc

And we’ll put it all together: They’re going to have to clean up all of their puke over there.

I recently received a series of emails from someone who doesn’t agree with the way I live my life. I got over it, relatively, and then stupidly decided to re-read them today and subsequently cried, got depressed and needed a pep-talk from a good friend. Post pep-talk, i checked my www.dailyom.com email and found this to be apropos for both myself and the writer of the above mentioned emails.

I am blogging it because I think that this information is good for all of us as we try to make our way thru this dense experience called incarnation.

October 16, 2006
Seeing Beyond The Unknown
Fear Of Losing What We Have

One of humanity’s biggest fears is losing what we have. It is healthy when fear of loss helps us take steps to protect what we have worked hard to attain, but it is unhealthy to continue to fear something we can do nothing about. We need to remember that focusing our energy on fear can actually create what scares us, and holding tightly to what we have keeps us from participating in the universal flow of abundance and instead creates stagnation. Since we can only really control our thoughts and our responses, gaining proper perspective may be key to conquering such fears.

The letters of the word “fear” can be used to stand for “False Evidence Appearing Real.” Fears of being separated from something or someone we feel we need for our security or happiness comes from a delusion – a distorted way of understanding ourselves and the world around us. When we understand that possessions are only representations of the energy at work in our lives, we can shift our attention to the right and proper place. We can stop fearing loss of money or success because when we understand how it is created, we can always create more. We can stop fearing loss of possessions when we realize that they are not the source of our joy or well-being but only icing on our cakes. And when we understand the energy of love, we need not hold anyone too close for fear of losing them for we know that love does not diminish when it is given or shared but expands beyond boundaries of time or space.

By focusing our light on our fears, they are revealed as mere shadows that disappear in the presence of mind and spirit. We can choose instead to direct our thoughts and creative power toward things of true value – love, abundance, peace, passion, and joy. These are energies that are always available to us when we place ourselves confidently in the universal flow of abundance.

then, a few days after I posted this, there was a response posted:

(a daily om from the archives)

Integrity

A boat with no leaks is said to have integrity, as is a solid piece of furniture. It is their wholeness-no gaps or weaknesses-that gives them their integrity. People who have integrity convey a similar “seaworthiness” and stability. There is the sense that they can be counted on, that their actions will be consistent with their ideals. Just being in the presence of someone with this quality creates a feeling of steadiness even in a chaotic environment. These people are natural leaders because we sense that it is safe to follow them. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi are clear examples of modern human beings who embodied integrity.

All spiritual traditions have vows, precepts, and tenets that are designed to encourage us to live in harmony with a higher vision of what humanity can be. Following a set of precepts, or taking a vow, can teach us what it feels like to be true to a set of elevated ideals in which we think beyond I, me, and mine. Being true to a vow in the face of temptation builds strength and power. We learn first hand the benefits of sacrificing short-term gains in favor of long-term vision. We learn the value of doing what is right, and not just what is easy. In a culture obsessed with convenience and freedom, integrity can be a rare quality. Perhaps this is because we have a cultural habit of resisting limitation and restriction. And yet, limitation and restriction often provide the structure in which integrity can be born.

Living with integrity generates self-confidence and self-esteem. It is important to take time on a regular basis to examine whether your actions, your words and your vision are in alignment. Make it a priority to look into any imbalances you find and commit to resolving them. Take time to consider and, when necessary, revise your overall vision for life, making sure your actions and words support your ideals.

I surrender.

Well, bittersweet if anything.

I walked out with a flatter wallet and three new CDs

Madonna (of course) – Like a Virgin (now I finally own the CD…my mom has my vinyl somewhere, I think/hope)
Heart – Heart (same as above re: vinyl)
Tears for Fears – Songs from the Big Chair

Yay, now I can sing along to three more cds.

[heavy bit]
1b. I used to sing the TFF song “Shout” (I think you might know it) when I was like, uh, 8 or something, when that song was popular originally, to my dad and I’d yell the part “I’d really love to break your heart.”
Sigh.
Perhaps I knew he’d break mine later…
[/heavy bit]

2. was a grumplesaurus on Monday (I had to go to work – no, not to work, but to keep from having to use a vacation day to not work) and when the “going to a movie double feature where the second movie is free” plan didn’t pan out, I continued decoupaging tea tags to my tea tin while singing along as loud as I could to Fiona Apple’s Tidal and I slowly became perky – especially when I realized that I was finished my tea tin (the decoupaging part – now I have to find toy truck wheels to attach to the bottom).

3. when I was in college, it was non-traditional. I got graded on how long I could sit up and then hop with my legs in (half) lotus during an 1.5 hour meditation session, twice a day, in a large, gold, domed building with a cement floor covered in foam mattresses coverd in white sheets. I also got graded on how well/often I put a particular man’s philosophy into my school work (the more, the higher the grade, the more likely you were to get an award upon graduation – unlike me). When I got overwhelmed by all of it, I would either listen to Soundgarden Superunknown or Peter Gabriel’s Passion depending on the vibe of the overwhelm.
One of the wonderful benefits of my strange university experience was the regular doses of live Ghandarva Ved music concerts that would happen in one of those foamy, sheety domy buildings [read: lying down to float away to never never land because of the dreamyness of the music.] I think they happened once a month and were free.

4. SIGH.

I walked out the back door to reduce the amount of yardage I’d have to cover on 6th street proper (you know, the place glorified in the recent movie RENT – because they couldn’t find anywhere in NY that was dirty enough to recreate NYC in the 80s).

Made it to market and across 6th unscathed, un-catcalled, un-anythinged but sun shined-on. Heck, I even made it all the way thru the order at said mexican place (Cancun for you curious types) and then realized I was $1.66 short at this cash only establishment.
(yeah, I know – my bad)

I cross 6th again to hit the $3/service fee ATM at the donut shop. I stupidly decide to try my empty savings account first and add two minutes to my standing there. In those last two minutes, a woman comes up to me saying “don’t say no, please don’t say no, i need a dollar” – I didn’t say no, I said “good luck to you, I don’t have $1 for you” and she proceeded to tell me that her husband just died.
“I’m sorry to hear that” and I walked to the curb to cross back over 6th to finish my transaction with the buritto man.

She proceeded to:
threaten my life
threaten my mom’s life
offer to spit on my face ["thanks, but no, I'm full,"]
and tell me what a horrid, “dog girl” that I am, along with a bunch of other stuff that I missed because of the adrenalin that kicked in in my “fight or flight? ok, flight” response.

Now I wish I would have told her to go to the city for help.

or to ask her her name so I could have her arrested for harassing me (sadly, I know how to have these vagrants arrested as it was part of my job description for a while)

or just go off and tell her to “fuck off and get a job you fucking crack head! you ruin homelessness for everyone who is drug free and down and out with no help available but to ask people like me for $, food or work!”

This shit really pisses me off – I hate having to be callous because I fell one too many times for someone’s “I need to get home” stories.

Actually, some woman I did give a dollar to, well call her Ruiner because she ruined it for the rest of them, told me some song and dance about trying to get $7 to get on the bus back to Sacramento. I told Ruiner why everyone was so “mean” to her on that street “because crack heads are always trying to get money for their fix on this block.”

How ironic.

I saw Ruiner three days later giving the same schpeal and I was so pissed.

Pissed for having been “taken” by some bullshit song and dance that NO one falls for unless they’re new.
Pissed because I wanted to believe her – like that flute player who only needed another $7 to get his bus ticket to Seattle who, after I gave him $2, I’ve never seen again (and I happily assume he’s reunited with his ex and their daughter up in Seattle)

I saw her two days after that, doing the same thing at a train station I was biking past as I yelled at her “LIAR!” and sped on.

I’m so sad and tired of this. I think I need to move to the country or something – this city makes my heart ache (in love because the good stuff is soo good as well as dispair at the lack of justice for simple humanity)

Stop taking advantage of my sad, broken heart. Please. Don’t say no.

And quit coming to the city to “try” one of the millions of ridiculous drugs that ruin people’s lives!

For all of you who are planning on celebrating St. Patricks day today, I thought I’d fill you in on a little history that you’re probably not aware of. Being half Irish myself (if you look closely you can see the freckles) I’m very disturbed that so many people blindly celebrate the life of a man that they know nothing about. So here’s your schoolin’ bitches.

* The word Villain comes from the Latin word Villa, meaning country house. Villain means literally “one who dwells in the country”. Patrick assumed that all country dwelling peoples were Druids, and therefore bad people. Thus the word Villain, or “one who dwells in the country” became synonomous with an evil person.

I’m going to go sit in the woods and mourn now.

Last week, I left a trail of tears in front of a sculpture installation at SFMoMa, as well as every bit of art leading up to it.
I hear songs that move me and can’t listen with joy any longer.
I see people performing double dutch tricks at parties and I roll my eyes jealously that I don’t have “a thing” that is all mine and then I want to tell everyone about these amazing girls who get paid to perform rope jumping.

There is a wild, uninhibited, confident, tigress of an artist stuck underneath the veil of an anxiety ridden, hesitant, nervous nelly with bloody fingers from chewing (and a bloody scalp from scratching). The tiger is no longer comfortable under this skin and her claws make my day somewhat uncomfortable in turn.

If only I could rip open my chest and let her out.

My sense is that 1) I need to serve others but I only have this thought because of religious teaching – I’ve served others and not felt the alleviation of this frustration which leads me to sense 2) I need to spend a significant amount of time creating.

If that doesn’t work, well, I’ll tell the driver to stop so I can get off this damned bus.