while I sit here
I chew on what you said
that last time we spoke
in words
concurrently
I masticate a delicious salad
made of only things good for me

now that I’ve chewed it completely
I’d say that conversation was
made of only things good for me
I will absorb the nutrients
of what you said
and it will allow me growth

Regarding the leg – I had an amazing session with my massage school teacher Marty. He’s a rolfer, massage therapist and cranial sacral therapist. Oh, and, he also helps people with money. He’s a super mellow city guy who rides a fixie (with a front break) and totally understands my biking needs.
A week after my 90 minute session, my pain has been reduced to about 90% of what it was.

So, that’s the leg thing.

I’ve also been focusing a lot on our fundraiser that’s TOMORROW NIGHT! It’s taken a lot of planning, organizing and hitting the pavement putting up posters and giving out flyers. It’s been a great time. I’m so excited to put on my special cowgirl costume – complete with red cowgirl boots and a red, pigtail wig.

We need to raise $3012 to get everyone to their minimum needed to do the ride – I’m really hoping we can get to that number – think good thoughts for us, huh?

The event will have raffles and a silent auction. Those of you not coming to the event will have to dream wistfully of gigantic feather pillows with amazing fabric, cases of wine, a bed and breakfast stay, shopping, dining and spa-ing gift cards, home-made leather tote bags as big as paper shopping bags, jewelry, photos, and the list goes on.

Did I mention wine? We have three cases and a magnum to raise money with…

I’m hoping to get up early enough to ride to work tomorrow morning – as if I don’t have enough to do already! I’ll keep you posted!

2. Yesterday I whacked my arm on the counter at work (again) and promptly put arnica cream on it and took some arnica pills. A few hours later, I did the arnica again. Then I went home and ate lots of fresh pineapple.
Arnica and the bromine in pineapple are supposed to keep bruises from discoloring and hurting.
Today, the bruise is half what it was the last time I whacked my arm into the counter and it doesn’t hurt at all. Yay for homeopathy and healing with foods!

3. The fresh pineapple I ate last night was AMAZING! We ate a quarter of it raw and put the rest of it into the braised chicken broth to cook and add it’s flavor. Fresh pineapple cooked with chicken is really tasty – a completely different fruit than the common canned pineapple one finds in chinese food and on Hawaiian pizza. YUM!
The chicken turned out amazingly too!

4. We have two pints of ben and jerry’s in the freezer waiting to be devoured. Call me over 30 but I’m so excited for ice cream and a DVD tonight.

.:my mom keeps telling her friends that they can’t trust me anymore and then she giggles. fun little jokester former hippy mom. i don’t think she trusted me much when I was 15.
.:i still like birthday cake AND cookies on my birthday.
.:shiny red flats and a black and white dress were my birthday dinner garb – not much has changed since I made a vow at 15 to put in my will that my funeral would be “a party on Big Sandy Beach (or Singing Sands – depending on who you talk to) where everyone had to wear only black, white and/or red and they could only bring balloons and that they all had to dance rather than cry” – I still agree with that sentiment and still have no will, nor valuables to put into a will. my cds always go to someone at least 10 years younger than me. yes, I still buy cds.
.:This Night Has Opened My Eyes is still my most favorite Smiths song ever. I still listen to it over and over in one sitting – just not as often as when I was 15.
.:When i was 15 and told someone something that was personal, it never was very personal and I was always a bit hyper about his/her reaction. Now, I still get sad when I share something I feel to be emotionally exposing and I either get no response at all or get a response that seems to come from a place of not understanding what I was saying. The latter is easier for me to deal with than the former because at least I feel that it’s okay to keep talking about it. The former happened recently, twice, with the same person, and it’s really made me sad but I’m must more okay with it than I would have been at 15. The latter happened over and over with the same person and it left me feeling a need for space, and I asked for it. I wouldn’t have been able to do it like that when I was 15.
.:i don’t drink as much now as I did when I was 15. And when I drink wine now, it’s almost always out of a glass, and not the bottle, unlike 15 years ago when I spilled pink paul masson wine down both sides of my face, while laughing, and not choking, and trying to chug it so I could get drunk.
.:i’m much more balanced when i’m stoned. I still get a little too chatty and sometimes talk out my ass, but I have more of a rein on the runaway thought/babble patterns.
.:I’m softer now.
.:My smile is twice as big and twenty gazillion times more sincere.
.:My eyebrows look ridiculously better now that I’ve learned the art of eyebrow shaping.
.:Feelings are allowed to exist inside me now.
.:Swearing is not nearly as common these days as it was back then – I was so angry at 15.
.:My hair’s basically the same. I like my curls and they’re good at telling me how to make them look.
.:I feel much less of a need to talk about my beliefs now than I did then. PHEW!

i’ve been told that i’m no good at killing the minotaur
(or the medusa
or however the myth goes)

but I’m still in the middle of the battle
and the battle is evermore.
or, at least, until I get over the drama of the body…

[insert angels laughing riotously
knowingly
lovingly
dripping their effervescent tears onto my head
to remind me of home
and why I'm here]

[meanwhile, back on the battlefield:]
the mirror is being aimed
the light is reflecting and finding it’s target
the medusa is shattering
the minotaur has a broken leg
at least
maybe even lost an eye
his tail is definitely shorter than it was

i feel overwhelmed by being in a body
overwhelmed by having a heart
overwhelmed by calls to integrity and goodness

they make sure that
every step is weighed
every thought analyzed
every interaction graded
processing is constant
learning is ever-present

silence does not exist here anymore
__________
i’m so tired

“i jus wan take nap rih her”

(quoting my youth
when
lighting a cigarette off of the one i wasn’t even finished smoking
was what i did when drunk at a party)
_________________________________
am i drunk on the heaviness of existence?
am i regretting taking the drink of incarnation?
am i losing my ground-ded-ness?
________________________________________________
“life’s ups and downs are easy when you have a fast car”
is written on a card
magnetized to the fridge
at my borrowed sanctuary
where I go to feel loved and open
and give thanks for the opportunity
to throw my arms wide and let go

yeah, let’s go
let’s use that fast car and go for a drive
blast the tunes
throw open the sunroof
drink wine
hit the beach
relax
RELAX
breathe clean air
run
play
laugh
LAUGH
giggle
play
laugh
run
drive
weee!

{this has been an active process by adrienecrimson – we hope you enjoyed the ride – to some art is about process rather than outcome, hence the first draft quality of this collection of words}

I recently received a series of emails from someone who doesn’t agree with the way I live my life. I got over it, relatively, and then stupidly decided to re-read them today and subsequently cried, got depressed and needed a pep-talk from a good friend. Post pep-talk, i checked my www.dailyom.com email and found this to be apropos for both myself and the writer of the above mentioned emails.

I am blogging it because I think that this information is good for all of us as we try to make our way thru this dense experience called incarnation.

October 16, 2006
Seeing Beyond The Unknown
Fear Of Losing What We Have

One of humanity’s biggest fears is losing what we have. It is healthy when fear of loss helps us take steps to protect what we have worked hard to attain, but it is unhealthy to continue to fear something we can do nothing about. We need to remember that focusing our energy on fear can actually create what scares us, and holding tightly to what we have keeps us from participating in the universal flow of abundance and instead creates stagnation. Since we can only really control our thoughts and our responses, gaining proper perspective may be key to conquering such fears.

The letters of the word “fear” can be used to stand for “False Evidence Appearing Real.” Fears of being separated from something or someone we feel we need for our security or happiness comes from a delusion – a distorted way of understanding ourselves and the world around us. When we understand that possessions are only representations of the energy at work in our lives, we can shift our attention to the right and proper place. We can stop fearing loss of money or success because when we understand how it is created, we can always create more. We can stop fearing loss of possessions when we realize that they are not the source of our joy or well-being but only icing on our cakes. And when we understand the energy of love, we need not hold anyone too close for fear of losing them for we know that love does not diminish when it is given or shared but expands beyond boundaries of time or space.

By focusing our light on our fears, they are revealed as mere shadows that disappear in the presence of mind and spirit. We can choose instead to direct our thoughts and creative power toward things of true value – love, abundance, peace, passion, and joy. These are energies that are always available to us when we place ourselves confidently in the universal flow of abundance.

then, a few days after I posted this, there was a response posted:

(a daily om from the archives)

Integrity

A boat with no leaks is said to have integrity, as is a solid piece of furniture. It is their wholeness-no gaps or weaknesses-that gives them their integrity. People who have integrity convey a similar “seaworthiness” and stability. There is the sense that they can be counted on, that their actions will be consistent with their ideals. Just being in the presence of someone with this quality creates a feeling of steadiness even in a chaotic environment. These people are natural leaders because we sense that it is safe to follow them. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi are clear examples of modern human beings who embodied integrity.

All spiritual traditions have vows, precepts, and tenets that are designed to encourage us to live in harmony with a higher vision of what humanity can be. Following a set of precepts, or taking a vow, can teach us what it feels like to be true to a set of elevated ideals in which we think beyond I, me, and mine. Being true to a vow in the face of temptation builds strength and power. We learn first hand the benefits of sacrificing short-term gains in favor of long-term vision. We learn the value of doing what is right, and not just what is easy. In a culture obsessed with convenience and freedom, integrity can be a rare quality. Perhaps this is because we have a cultural habit of resisting limitation and restriction. And yet, limitation and restriction often provide the structure in which integrity can be born.

Living with integrity generates self-confidence and self-esteem. It is important to take time on a regular basis to examine whether your actions, your words and your vision are in alignment. Make it a priority to look into any imbalances you find and commit to resolving them. Take time to consider and, when necessary, revise your overall vision for life, making sure your actions and words support your ideals.

I surrender.

Well, bittersweet if anything.

legend states that every so often, a strong fire builds inside that hollow and clears out all of the blues that get too heavy and sticky.
the fire leaves it looking like some of those redwood trees up there in northern california.
still growing but the center of the bottom is hollow and charred.
the tops are green and red, just as they should be.
and their root system is so wide that they don’t even need the center to have any mass for them to remain standing.

that is just like this heart folks.

it is currently in burn mode.
you can see the smoke exit thru the aorta.
it’s wings are gone and the blood has retreated until the burn subsides some.

there is always some fear that the charred tissue will become all that there is of this little heart so until that time, step right up and watch it burn.
perhaps the blood will flow again and sprout new wings.
perhaps not.

Our responsibility for the next two years is to develop the creative potential within each of us. We are building hearts, constructing courage and training the inner child to apply its talents with commitment and dignity. Each of us is a potential hero, the star of our own show who brings unique light to the human family. Don’t shy away from your ego and the need to be noticed, but use it to make love more present in all of our lives.

There’s no need to keep our wounds private, project them or compound them with shame. Meeting across the membrane of vulnerability is a way to redistribute pain, loosening its hold and making healing a basic part of all our relationships.

This is a time of shedding light into dark places, and courageously sharing your talents with the world. Take the risk of going too far with your personality, rather than holding yourself back, especially if you tend to be the shy type.

Patience is the key to making progress; slow and steady wins the race. A positive effect of this placement is sensuality, an unrushed pace for pleasure that can reduce fears about intimacy. Enjoying the process is more important that reaching the goal. Filling the senses with experience makes the journey more delightful.

edited and reposted from
Jeff Jawer, Publisher, StarIQ.com
…because timing is everything!
http://www.StarIQ.com

Last week, I left a trail of tears in front of a sculpture installation at SFMoMa, as well as every bit of art leading up to it.
I hear songs that move me and can’t listen with joy any longer.
I see people performing double dutch tricks at parties and I roll my eyes jealously that I don’t have “a thing” that is all mine and then I want to tell everyone about these amazing girls who get paid to perform rope jumping.

There is a wild, uninhibited, confident, tigress of an artist stuck underneath the veil of an anxiety ridden, hesitant, nervous nelly with bloody fingers from chewing (and a bloody scalp from scratching). The tiger is no longer comfortable under this skin and her claws make my day somewhat uncomfortable in turn.

If only I could rip open my chest and let her out.

My sense is that 1) I need to serve others but I only have this thought because of religious teaching – I’ve served others and not felt the alleviation of this frustration which leads me to sense 2) I need to spend a significant amount of time creating.

If that doesn’t work, well, I’ll tell the driver to stop so I can get off this damned bus.