while I sit here
I chew on what you said
that last time we spoke
in words
concurrently
I masticate a delicious salad
made of only things good for me

now that I’ve chewed it completely
I’d say that conversation was
made of only things good for me
I will absorb the nutrients
of what you said
and it will allow me growth

However, I will not use this forum to extol the virtues of digital anything. I’ve lost blog posts, word processed documents and digital photos almost at the same rate as journals, printed papers/letters, and printed photos.

I’m just sad about this journal because it was the first one that I’d planned on looking back at in the future to get a hindsight view of my experience with the detail of my written notes added.

Perhaps that was just too much planning on my part. I’m okay with that but I miss my little journal. It was cute. Here’s what the cover looked like.

It made me happy and had a great binding. Sigh. I’ll miss you little birchy. I still have hope to find you in a random place where I will greet you with a laugh and some ink on your pages to celebrate.

That’s one version. What’s yours look like?

I’ve been feeling a little off lately and think it’s because I’m having some trouble with my wrists which is making me both nervous about working as well as less inclined to get exercise. I decided to go to yogatothepeople today for a yoga class (gotta run – it’s in 30 min) and on their website, came across this poem that spoke to me and only me (it felt).

from “Letters to a Young Poet”
by Rainer Maria Rilke

I want to beg of you much as I can to be patient
toward all that’s unsolved in your heart,
and learn to love the questions themselves,
like locked rooms, or like books that are
written in a very foreign tongue.

Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you,
because you would not be able to live them,
and the point is to live everything.

Live the question now,
perhaps you will then, gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer.

Rena’s Corn Muffins
Slightly adapted
(I copied and pasted her recipe and directions and edited where I changed it)

Ingredients

* 2 1/3 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
* 1/3 cup whole wheat flour
* 1 cup natural cane sugar
* 1 cup coarse cornmeal
* 2 tablespoons baking powder
* 1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
* 1 1/4 cup whole milk
* 1/4 cup sour cream
* 1/2 pound (two sticks) unsalted butter, melted and cooled
* 3 large eggs

Directions

- Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
- Line 17 (I know, sorry) muffin cups with paper liners (or just grease the tin with some organic sunflower oil).
- Loosely measure the flours into your sifter and sift into a bowl.
- Spoon the sifted flour into your measuring cup and drag the back of a butter knife across the surface to measure (do not shake or this will increase the flour amount and make for denser muffins)
- Put the flour, sugar, cornmeal, baking powder, and salt into a largeish mixing bowl, and whisk with a loose whisk (meaning, lots of space between the wires – we’ll need this later) to incorporate.
- In a glass 4 cup measuring cup, measure out the milk.
- Add a dollop of sour cream to get the milk line up to the 1 1/2 mark.
- Whisk together well but don’t worry about the little bits of sour cream.
- In a separate bowl, combine this milk mixture and the cooled melted butter.
- Crack the eggs into a cup or small bowl (I used the glass measuring cup), and whisk until smooth.
- Add the eggs to the wet mixture, and whisk until combined.
- Pour the wet mixture into the dry (when I did this all in one pour, it made the cooled PFLOUP sound), and whisk (this is why we needed a loose whisk – it will be thick) until just blended.
- Use a 1/4 cup scoop to measure the batter into the paper liners (one scoop will fill each most of the way to the top).
- Bake for 30 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean. (I actually pulled them out without testing because they looked SO FREAKING PERFECT at 30 min mark – perfectly curved on top, with little cracks and just golden brown enough)
- Cool slightly and remove from the pan.

The paper liners come off without trying – it’s amazing.
Shannon said, “I can’t help but think of Mr. Crick.”
I said, “Who’s Mr. Crick?”
“That guy in Stranger than Fiction. I feel like he did when he at that cookie.”

These are the best corn muffins ever! Thank you Rena!!
I didn’t have a second muffin pan so I put paper liners in some ramekins and they worked out just fine. You can see here that we got a little distracted before I remembered to take a picture for you!

While I was putting them together, I discovered some unused fresh egg pasta that I got at Lucca Ravioli last week and realized it needed to be cooked asap. I’ve had fresh pasta in a plastic bag in the fridge get mouldy within two weeks. This pasta was only in the paper they wrapped it in when I bought it so it got a little dried out.
To me, fettucini needs to have a cream sauce so I set about to make the following alfredo from scratch without a recipe. It turned out really well.

Addy’s Alfredo
2 T butter
2 T unbleached all purpose flour
1 c Half & Half
1 c stock (whatever kind you use, know that you will taste it a little bit. I used Low Sodium Organic Chicken stock)
1 1/2 c shredded mixed cheeses
I used – 1/4 c fresh parmesean, 1/4 c or 1 oz cream cheese, 1/2 c monterey jack & 1/2 c cheddar
1/2 t salt
1/2 t black pepper (or to taste)
1/8 t nutmeg

- Mix the half & half and stock together and take the chill off them. You can heat them or they can be room temp – I haven’t found it makes much difference as long as they’re not cold. Set aside.
- Make a roux with the butter & flour.
- I do this by melting the butter over medium heat until it’s foaming and, using a whisk and only ever a whisk, sprinkle the flour in slowly & uniformly, until the entire thing is uniform and foamy. It’s okay, and even recommended, to let it brown a touch, but it’s more important to get everything whisked together quickly and without lumps. And, by no means, will you let it burn!
- Still over medium heat, slowly and steadily add the stock mixture in a steady stream until it’s all incorporated. You should go slowly enough that you’re able to make a consistent paste that gets thinner and thinner as you add the stock. You’ll see what I mean as you’re doing it and if you’ve never made a roux before, it might take you a couple of tries before it makes sense. But it’s SO worth it – it’s the base of so many great sauces and is really easy once you know how to do it.
- Stir with the whisk for a few minutes still over medium heat. The sauce should thicken within 3-5 minutes.
- Once it’s got a nice thickness, take it off the heat and stir in the cheese until it’s incorporated. This will thicken the sauce a bit more.
- Mix in the salt, pepper and nutmeg.
- Pour onto thick, flat pasta like fettuccini or tagliarini and enjoy!

We had some left over grilled chicken so I chopped that up and added it with 1/2 a bag of frozen peas and it was quite a treat.

2a. there are these things in cars that the government says we’re supposed to use whenever we’re planning to turn. they’re called “turn signals” or “indicators” – some like to call them blinkers because they do that – they blink. and they’re yellow. and when someone is riding a bike on your right, and you’re planning to turn right, which would essentialy cut him/her off or worse, using your turn signal will warn the cyclist to stop and avoid an issue. it will keep your car from getting dented or scratched and will keep a cyclist as able as s/he was before you turned.
did you know that not using a turn signal can get you a ticket? yep. it’s one of those law thingies.

2b. if you are going to cut someone off, either with or without your turn signal, please just do it. if you change your velocity mid cut off, you make it even harder for the person avoiding bodily harm to get out of harm’s way.
start cut off at 30 mph – finish cut off at 30 mph.
but, you’re still a douchebag for doing it.

3. to stay with the whole car thing…
please, please, PLEASE – especially in san francisco – be aware of where you’re putting your car when you parallel park along the street. if you’re at the corner, line up with the edge of the corner/spot so that you maximize the chances of everyone getting a spot. if you park three feet away from the corner, the guy behind you parks four feet away from you and the guy behind him parks four feet away from him, that’s a whole spot. i’m not saying you should make it impossible for someone to get out of his/her parking spot because you only left them two inches, but think about how hard it is to find a spot and how nice it would be if everyone took everyone else into consideration.
but, perhaps that’s an entirely different topic.

and finally,
4. please be aware of the following when writing, anywhere.
they’re = ‘they are’ as in “they’re going to six flags”
there = ‘not here’ as in “the roller coaster is over there”
their* = ‘belongs to someone’ as in “those kids didn’t have a good ride. that’s their puke”
* this is plural! not to be used to refer to a singular person a la facebook’s updates about your friends. if you must refer to a singular person without a gender specification, please use “this/that person” “him/her” “his/hers” etc

And we’ll put it all together: They’re going to have to clean up all of their puke over there.

if i paint my nails the way you would
and wear my clothes as if they are yours

if i dream of you when out of body
and spend waking hours longing for those dreams

if i share your soul
with the rest of the family
but not so much this body

will i still be part of us
will we still take journeys together
make plans and strategies
etherically working the physical
enjoying existence
not looking at a goal
but simply be-ing because
it’s
what
we
do

|||||||

have i forgotten a plan
that was laid
aeons before

am i stuck
longing
for something we planned
i would simply appreciate
when i could

i don’t remember home
as much as i’d like
but i know i want to go there
to re-read the plans
to re-feel the task
to be re-minded that this is a joyful existence

but i do go there
without my body
regularly

sometimes you are there with me
re-minding me of the sweetness

the body waking is then oh so bitter

|||||||

what if insanity really does run in the family
and these are just the rantings of
a mad mind
that simply cannot capture
the ease of this place, this body, this task, this connection

i’m sure i’ve got plenty of time
to work it all out

isn’t that the plan?

when I spent summers with him, sometimes he’d take me out to his dives with him. that usually meant that I’d sit in the boat while he was digging up starfish and sea urchins. sometimes I’d swim around and try to get back in the boat (which usually meant I’d end up hanging off the edge of the boat waiting for him to pull me back in. i’ve never been very strong in the upper body.)

sometimes he’d bring some giant or tiny lobsters up (the ones the lobsterpeople would have to throw back) for me to look at and we’d watch them swim away. sometimes we’d sneak them home and eat them – once we had a lobster with a claw that was at least six inches across. my mom kept the empty shell for years.

anywho, the real story I wanted to tell was about the time he brought up a fresh scallop. he split the beautiful, white shell open, sliced out the guts and threw them back where they came from. then he slurped the still living scallop muscle right down his throat while I watched, somewhat awed, somewhat disgusted. he offered me some and after I declined he said “I love it when I can feel them wriggle down my throat.”

I wish I were that adventurous with food.