You raise my hopes, then you raise the odds.
You tell me that I dream to much

…from a The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove on Into the Labyrinth by Dead Can Dance.

The next thing to come from my mouth were incredible sobs. Heart-center-wringing sobs in a repeated rhythm every half second. I witnessed the whole process without much, if any, attachment to what was happening. There were no thoughts or feelings associated with the sobs. I went to my bed and screamed into my pillow over and over – the tears burned my eyes.

My dad taught me “Primal Scream Therapy” when I was a kid. He’d pick me up from the airport when I’d come for a visit and once in the cab of his red pick up truck (with his hand-made fiberglass trailer complete with woodstove, urinal, cooler and full-size murphy bed) he’d say “Enie, let me hear you scream.” He’d listen to me scream and then tell me to do it louder, which I would. This “conversation” lasted for as long as it took for me to scream with all of my body. I always felt a little high and VERY relaxed after those “therapy” sessions. He liked to tell me about this process when I was older and he’d describe how I’d arrive tense and uptight and after a few minutes of “PST” I’d be bouncy and happy-go-lucky again.

When I was just finishing college at MUM, I was given a beautiful jyotish quality pearl because it was recommended that I wear a pearl to support my moon and give me more emotional balance. When I put it on I screamed at the person I was sharing a house and car with, with such vigor that hot, burny tears came from my eyes and I was relatively disassociated with the feelings. The pearl allowed me to release what I’d had pent up inside me that was bothering me. I felt amazing after that “conversation.”

These three things are connected by the moon. The full moon was two nights ago at 1:40am. It is the Worm, Wind or Death Moon, among others in different cultures (these are Native American, Celtic and Pagan, respectively). I just within this last moon time, I spent 8 days diving under waves in the Caribbean Ocean, the most time I’ve spent in the ocean in 4 years (that’s one Leap Cycle!) if not longer. I’ve been cleansed by the Ocean and the moon. I’ve released my lack of commitment to being on Gaia and accepted a commitment to watch over and support another being on this planet. And with that commitment comes a renewed and strengthened commitment to doing all I can to support our planet.

This is the song that inspired all of this. Enjoy. It’s a masterpiece.

If you don’t see an embedded player (flash = boo!), click this link to listen to it on grooveshark.

while I sit here
I chew on what you said
that last time we spoke
in words
concurrently
I masticate a delicious salad
made of only things good for me

now that I’ve chewed it completely
I’d say that conversation was
made of only things good for me
I will absorb the nutrients
of what you said
and it will allow me growth

However, I will not use this forum to extol the virtues of digital anything. I’ve lost blog posts, word processed documents and digital photos almost at the same rate as journals, printed papers/letters, and printed photos.

I’m just sad about this journal because it was the first one that I’d planned on looking back at in the future to get a hindsight view of my experience with the detail of my written notes added.

Perhaps that was just too much planning on my part. I’m okay with that but I miss my little journal. It was cute. Here’s what the cover looked like.

It made me happy and had a great binding. Sigh. I’ll miss you little birchy. I still have hope to find you in a random place where I will greet you with a laugh and some ink on your pages to celebrate.

I noticed two stangers in front of me.

Two seats in front of me, a man was on an expensive “smart phone” with an “if found…” note hand written on a piece of medical tape stuck to the back. He was agitatedly twisting the frizzy hairs on the back of his neck. When he finished his call, he started twisting his sideburns in the same manner.
I thought to myself, “he’s so anxious”

The man sitting behind him was gently nodding his head along with the music coming from his headphones that was just barely audible to me. He was wearing a clean but faded hat, had soft eyes & wasn’t fidgeting at all.
I thought to myself, “he’s feeling good”

From those observations, I came to the decision to put on my headphones & get a little company from music.

Then I thought that I could have it all wrong.
The man “feeling good” could have been grieving, or on his way to an uncomfortable meeting…
The “anxious” man could have been full if excitement while he was on his way to meet a date or to get his haircut.

The soothing balm of The Dining Rooms Other Ink filled my sound field as I came upon @vesper7′s Twitter post with this quote:

Don’t cling or hold on to anything. Harmonize with actuality, with things just as they are. -Buddha

And so, I decided to record this series of moments, so as to harmonize with actuality.

being a small child
having a chaperone

peanut butter cup

anxiety
small voice
confusion

sunlight

Mrs. Naylor

mustard yellow jacket
brown pants
a $20 bill
brown leather wingtips

feeling the pain (on my behalf) in everyone’s heart
(even the judge)

witnessing myself from outside of myself

Their song “The Carnival is Over” is particularly mesmerizing for my spirit.

Here are the lyrics:

Outside
The storm clouds gathering
Move silently along the dusty boulevard

Where flowers turn and crane their fragile necks
So they can in turn
Reach up and kiss the sky

They’re driven by a strange desire
Unseen by the human eye

Someone’s calling

I remember when you held my hand
In the park we would play when the circus came to town
Over here

Outside
The circus gathering
Moved silently along the rainswept boulevard
The procession moves on, the shouting is over,
The fabulous freaks are leaving town

They are driven by a strange desire
Unseen by the human eye

Someone’s calling

The carnival is over

We sat and watched
As the moon rose
For the very first time

Anywho, because of the glass door, with sheer curtain, it was easy for me to hear what was going on in the living room after I went to bed. One night, after falling asleep, I awoke to hear the most beautiful music playing. It was delicate, intricate piano sounds and I had to investigate. I got up and looked out my door into the living room where the sound system lived.

There was my mom, sitting on her knees in front of the tape deck. I had a moment of trepidation that she’d scold me for being out of bed but the music was just so gorgeous that I had to go sit with her. And I did just that. I kneeled next to her and just listened. She didn’t send me back to bed, but I think the music lulled me back to sleep because I don’t remember anything after sitting & closing my eyes.

The music was George Winston‘s album December that my aunt had copied onto cassette, TYPED UP THE CASSETTE COVER (with a typewriter!) (I know – so awesome) & sent to my mom for the holidays.

Here’s a quote about the album that I found out there on the interwebs:

The mother of all solo instrumental albums, and with good reason. Mixing traditional carols with Pachelbel’s Canon and a few originals, Winston produces a solo piano album of unparalleled — and undeniable — beauty. How can music be simultaneously stirring and soothing, relaxed yet exalted?

That album and Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas: The Original Sound Track Recording Of The CBS Television Special are all I need to stir up holiday season nostalgia – even if it is against my atheistic heart’s wishes!

I can’t remember why it came up tonight but we realized it’s a medley of two songs from the 80s that use “rock” in the chorus so off to YouTube I went to find them.

First, I found Solid – a fun song and a cute vid. Dude’s got some serious style but his stylist on the video shoot should have untucked his jacket…

Then I found the gold: The Whispers: Rock Steady.

If you don’t have five minutes to spend with your speakers on, come back when you do. I’ll wait.

Okay.

Ready?

I need to make a time stamp list of awesomeness (if you click on the video to go to the youtube page, there should be a comment by addycat777 [aka me] with the time stamps as links if you want to save yourself a little effort – however, not all of these are there and I got the numbers wrong and youtube wouldn’t let me edit or repost – argh!):

1. 0:37 – favorite dance move with the appendicular body

2. 0:59 – love the bearded back up singer/dancer (his beard looks glued on)
Watch for more of him cuz his moves are hot. (I’ll spare you additional time stamps about him)

3. 1:26 – hey! where did those dancers come from?

4. 1:36 – “doin’ the snake. mmm…maybe not…”

5. 1:44 – his “jazz square” pirouette reminds me of my jazz dance class when I was 9. We listened to this song during our warm up, which included jazz squares with our feet and hips.

6. 1:57 – enter freight elevator. that must be on what the crowd comes to populate this underground funk party.

7. 2:31-2:34 – I WILL learn this dance move and show you at the next party.

8. 2:48 – is that a tour jete I see in the background?? Justin did a couple of those for me on my birthday. He’s really good at it, very graceful and always has pointed toes (even in cycling shoes!).

9. 3:22 – after more freight elevator and a moment without the crowd, they’re in their party suits.

10. 3:32 – dude with the sunglasses and half-fro is really feelin’ it

11. 3:55 – can’t quite figure out why they went back to the other, “not party” suits…

12. 4:06 – looks like they can’t either!

13. 4:33 – I know they used the “not party” suit footage here because of this sick move. it’s spontaneous – not to be replicated – magic, caught on film.

This song makes me happy. Although, after trying to get all of those time stamps just right, I need to avoid it for a little while… but this video I could watch without sound, over and over while practicing all of those moves. Soon, I too will be able to dance like Barack Obama.

- I wanted to raise $5k and made it as far as $3600, which is awesome, just not what I was aiming for.

- I had physical challenges that kept me off of the bike for about 160 of 560 miles.
* My handlebars weren’t set in their ideal ergonomic state and that made my hands, especially my right one, really painful to ride with (and for some time after).
* The padding in my shorts was irritating my skin in a way that made sitting on the seat something painful enough to draw tears.
* The good news about these issues is that they are totally avoidable in the future and they did not keep me off the bike for any more miles than they did – yay!

Now it’s been just over two weeks since we left LA and quads are back to normal, sitting on my bike seat is very comfortable, my hands are pain free, and I’m rested.

Here are my favorite moments in list, and somewhat chronological, form.

Day one

- rest stop one – discovering those wonderful peanut butter and jelly graham cracker sandwiches that I’d had once before when I volunteered for ALC.

- Emily’s cookie monster outfit made a lot of people smile.

- climbing the 92, getting to the top and being handed strawberries, and then riding down the beautiful, smooth curve into Half Moon Bay. Here’s a fun little map showing when I was most excited.

- this little house in the woods made me really happy. so did all that green.

- Mom, this photo was taken for you. lighthouse in the fog.

Day two (celebrating 32 years of life)

- Emily made a little sign for my butt, Justin gave me a princess pinata that I tied to my do-rag and Shannon took this photo.

- Then, Greg gave me a ride to the SAG bus for the first time “only cuz it’s your birthday!”. I think it was wind that dissuaded me from continuing – cross winds are a BITCH!
The SAG bus, however, was Divalicious!

see the little TV (click for larger view)? They had The Supremes playing for us – very sweet.

Day three

- my favorite part of the ride was conquering The Quad Buster. Mostly because the downhill after was the most joyful exertion I’ve had in a long time. I had a few miles of superfast “onyourleft onyourleft” and then on the smooth flat after, from somewhere, I found a sprint and I raced (safely!) past a row of eight riders. Just as I settled in to a nice open road I hear “BOOS! You were riding REALLY FAST!” coming from behind me. Shannon caught up to me after waiting for our friends while I hit the downhill first. that made my day because he’s much faster than me.

- entering central california – dry dry dry, but oh so photogenic.

- i broke the rules by taking this while riding but i’m SO pleased with the result (and i didn’t get busted, or hurt)

- rest stop “dia de los muertos” where I told everyone in front of the camera to “pretend your dead” before I realized the rest stop theme.

Day four

- this day started out with pain in my hands so great that i was crying by 10 miles. i mistakenly thought that if i waited for the SAG bus at rest stop 1, i’d be driven to lunch to get taped/mended/magically cured and then ride the rest of the way to camp. what i didn’t realize is that once on the SAG bus, you’re going to camp. so, this was a sad day for me, tho, it was good to rest my hand.

- in that first 10 miles, Josh asked me what my goal for the day was and I laughed as I said, “honestly? to get to rest stop 1.” He commended me for my realistic perspective and then congratulated me when we got there.

- i took this from the bus after deciding i wanted a photo of the fog AND a cyclist.

- synchronistically, i spotted Emily in her big bird costume from the bus TWICE, without knowing where on the route she was. that made the bus ride a little bit more bearable.

- once at camp, it was so windy that putting up the tents was a two person job. Silas and his recumbant had made it to camp even before the SAG bus so he helped me put up all three of the remaining tents for our team. that made me feel good. then we took pictures of the people sliding down the oil and water slip and slide that was created on the grassy knoll across the campground.

Day five Red Dress Day
- our gear roadies looked (especially) awesome this day

- favorite portrait

- favorite landscape

Day six Rained Out
Here’s the story: This day included a small one lane bridge that the CHP had to close from other traffic so that our 2150 riders could pass safely. They agreed to close it during a specific time window – I believe it was between 9 and 1. The previous night, we slept thru some serious rain and even got rained on at breakfast but by the time we were ready to roll (our group, not the riders waiting to go out right at 6:30 am) the rain was gone and the sun was coming out.
However, this was not the case on the big hill covered in soaking wet riders with flat tires.
Those riders were given two options: turn around and go back to camp or wait here (in the cold and rain) for the SAG bus. Half of the riders went back to camp to wait with the rest of us for three to five hours for a bus ride to Ventura.

- We got in line for the bus about four buses back and I think I heard that it took 20 buses or so to get everyone to the campsite in Ventura, so we were lucky to be in the front. We got to Ventura around 2 or 2:30, laid our soggy clothes out to dry in the warm SoCal sun and I quickly hopped into the ocean.
The warm, salty ocean that I got to swim in for about 30 minutes of heaven before I got hungry for dinner.

- the candlelight vigil on the beach that night was really special. very solemn and so very quiet, except for the sounds of sniffles here and there. seeing this got my tears flowing. I fought with myself about taking a photo and finally decided that i’d appreciate having the image after the fact, and I do.

Day seven
- i finally got to paint a rainbow on my face (while wearing my SF Bike Coalition SF Bike Map Jersey no less!)

- best Jamba Juice stop ever (Greggy got one with peanut butter and banana that will be my next choice, for sure – highly recommended!) This was just a few blocks before closing ceremonies and we got to cheer on the few hundred riders that were behind us (read: not many!).

Shanny, me, Justin, Greg, Silas (Emily had to leave the morning of Day 6 to get back to SF for a family wedding, and somehow I lost Josh just a mile or so before this spot – we missed them both!)

Well folks, there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this little recap. I can definitnely see myself doing this ride again someday, perhaps 2011, perhaps even sooner!

To all of my sponsors – thank you so very much for helping to provide education and service to stop the spread of HIV/AIDS as well as help people with HIV/AIDS live happier, healthier lives.