I got back from my off-line, off-the-grid vacation over a week ago and, at first, was just enjoying having as little to do as possible. Then, I didn’t post here because I had more to do than I was comfortable with. Now, I’m feeling overwhelmed and depressed and am posting here after midnight on the morning of day 40 (but calling it day 39 anyway) because it’s meant to be a helpful process. Crying all day didn’t help so maybe this will.
Origins of this project can be read here.
Anxiety and depression are horrible bed-mates. They steal all of the covers and, about 30 seconds after you nod off, they both put all of their smelly, dirty feet in your face while they are sound asleep and unable to be roused. They also snore, loudly and unendingly.
A giant, perfectly clean blackboard. No chalk. No graphite (grey on black is better than nothing!). No eraser.
Nachos and canned turkey chili from hours ago is still making me burp. Things with sugar in them give me disgusting gas. Alcohol consumed in more than one sip/day proportions makes me feel (even more) utterly hopeless for over 24 hours. I’m too tired and overwhelmed to exercise.
After my vacation, I turned my phone back on and found a text from a friend who doesn’t text me that often. It was a website suggestion based on her reading this Project 40 series. I was touched that these posts inspired her to reach out.
vice: I never looked at the website.
virtue: I just looked at it and have that rare glimpse at the potential for hope (I might even hold my breath). I will listen to it when my partner isn’t sleeping right behind me.
To quote the English translation of a Latin tattoo I was once uncool enough to ask the translation of:
I have given hope to hope and have none left for myself.
Shannon. He’s so patient and gentle with me when I get this way. He’s my rock.
I’m not feeling so confident about my relationship with time right now. It goes too slowly when I want to get past something and too fast when I want to experience something more closely.
I really hope that website offers some nuggets of help.
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